"Operator, oh won't you help me make this call? The number on the match book is old and faded." Jim Croce

I have been enrolled in a Teleclass for doulas. Tonight was our last conference call of the series. This class requires very little note taking, which is good for me, because I just don't have two hours to sit still and listen to a phone call. I have to keep busy.

This is how tonight's call went:
I was still making dinner when the call started at 7:30. Dinner was late because my car's battery died while I was at the supermarket. In addition, Harrison has a friend sleeping over and I promised him I would make french fries. As the call started, I was dealing with a cast iron wok full of hot peanut oil and a bowl of spuds.

No problem. I can listen while I cook.
Dennis and the kids were really loud when they sat down for dinner, so I put the phone on mute and retreated into the bedroom. I folded a load of clean laundry that was on the bed. I advanced two loads that were in the washer and dryer and made a pile of sock widows. John's Hopkins research shows no improved outcome when inductions are done because of low amniotic fluid.

I had the phone on mute, un-muted it when I wanted to talk and re-muted it when I finished asking my question. Except there was a problem. The instructions that the moderator gave for muting and un-muting were reversed, so when I spoke they could not hear me. I tried it again, but by the time I successfully un-muted the call had progressed to a new topic. I muted again. I think. I was not sure. Could they hear me? I couldn't tell. Women who experience unexpected labor induction may have many different emotions. Some may feel their bodies have failed them and may have more difficulty adjusting to motherhood during the postpartum period. Others are just glad to finally get the baby out.

I went back to the quietest room in the house, just in case mute was not working for me. My washer and dryer barely hum, so I felt like that was the best place. I went to write something down, but my mechanical pencil was out of lead, so I had to leave the laundry room to get a pen. 33 % of labor inductions end in c-section, as do 31% of all labors in this country, so the chance of c-section is not statistically higher in induced labors since our c-section rate has more than doubled in the past ten years. Of course our induction rates have doubled too.

I dodged some nerf bullets as I came out of the laundry room. French fry fueled little boys were running wild. I put my index finger to my mouth and made a shooing motion to send them upstairs. Weekly sweeping of membranes at 38 weeks does not reduce the incidence of medical induction as per The Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, June 2008.

Dennis had done many of the dishes, so I got a pen, made a note, then relieved him of his kitchen duties and did the remaining clean up. The Woods method of due date calculation verifies Mittendorf's research from Harvard in the 1990s. On the average, first time mothers deliver 8 days after their due date, and second time mothers are usually delivered three days after their due date.

I went back to the laundry room and sorted and repacked my birth bag. The call was getting very interesting, so I scribbled some notes on which issues of The Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology I need to pull studies from.

Then I took a minute to Google one of the people on the call. Very interesting,..

Eden came downstairs in a huff showing me a red mark on her arm and crying "Harrison hit me!" Then she stomped off in a huff because I was gesturing for her to go tell her father because I was on a conference call! Why did I have these kids?

I fed Violet the dog and folded another load of dry clothes, still listening. Remaining sexually active at least four times after 36 weeks is proven to reduce the need for medical induction prior to 41 weeks.

Then I noticed the smell of something burning.
I went to the kitchen and discovered black smoke pouring out of the bread machine!
In an attempt to prevent the smoke alarm from going off, I opened all the windows and began frantically waving a towel around.
Then I unplugged the bread machine ran to the front door carrying it to put it on the front porch.
The front door was closed.
Smoke was still pouring out of the machine.
I was holding my breath so as not to succumb to the inhalation.
I couldn't balance the bread machine, continue to hold the phone to my ear between my chin and my shoulder and get the door open. I hoped the phone was on mute as I yelled, "HELP!"

Although the boys had smelled smoke, the smoke alarm did not go off, so they kept playing their video game. Dennis ran down and opened the door. I abandoned the smoking bread machine on the front porch.

I went back into the kitchen, sat down at the table and listened to the end of call. Women who are more than 1 cm dilated at the time their membranes are swept are at greater risk of having their membranes rupture prior to the beginning of labor.
Then I yelled at both kids for fighting, the boys for not reacting when they smelled smoke, and
Eden for coming to me instead of her father when I was on a conference call.

Confused, they looked at me and said, "You were on a call?"
Do I normally walk around the house with my right ear attached to my right shoulder, playing charades and gesturing for them to be quiet and leave the room?