"I was standing by the window on a cold and cloudy day, when I saw the hearse come rolling for to carry my mother away, Will the circle be unbroken ?"

On Sunday I will be signing the membership book at our new congregation.

Our minister was kind enough to give me a new member packet, and in it there were various helpful directories and pamphlets and such, including a form I am to complete and return stating my end of life and funeral wishes.

For the record, I would like to state that today I am of sound mind and good spirits.
Don't any of y'all be worried that I am depressed and off my meds. You do not need to check on me. This is an assignment. I am not about to off myself or anything, at least not until the laundry is done.

Do I have a living will?
No.
I try not to think about it. I have mixed emotions about the entire thing, especially after watching my father suffer before he died. I wish I was more like my sister. She has made her wishes clear. If something happens to her, we are allowed to put her on life support for three days. At the end of three days we are to pull the plug. Christ was risen from the dead within three days. At the end of three days we are to pull her plug and put it in His hands.

I don't want to tell anyone when to pull my plug. There are some moral issues I cannot decide. Please just keep me warm and give me cool water and play music in my room. And wax me. My biggest fear is that I will be unable to tweeze my chin and I will lay there slowly passing from this world into the next, with long hairs shooting out of my chin. Pull the plug when no one will wax or tweeze me. I don't want the death bed humiliation of becoming the bearded lady.

Do I have any last wishes?
Yes. Please pick up my dresser and toss it directly into the dump. Do not open any of the drawers. Same with the bedside table.

What do I want done with my body?
Well, whatever you do, please don't cremate me. I fear the fire. Do Not Cremate. I would rather be fed to the coyotes.

Bury me. I don't care where, although I really wanted to be buried in the secret garden in my backyard in Cutchogue, I think the new owners would have a problem with that.
Where ever it is, I would like a simple tombstone and a statue of the Blessed Mother at my grave.

Someone, please try to get my name right. Dennis got it wrong when he filled out the info for Harrison's birth certificate.The acute accent is over the second of the 3 Es in Desiree. The middle name is not Anne. It's Annette. The maiden name is Huffman with a U. There is no E on the end of O'Clair.


Well, I said I wanted a simple headstone, but that's not true. If there is any extra money laying around that the kids don't need, spend some of it on a donation to help a young mother stay home with her baby, and with the rest, get me an overdone ornate headstone with lots of roses and flowers and angels carved into it. I have always liked things to be over the top. Use that stone that has a natural glitter in it. And don't forget the statue of the BVM. And plant Johnny Jump Ups on my grave. They come back every year on their own. And a tomato plant. Plant an heirloom tomato.

If it is not too much trouble, please put pictures of my family, my family of origin as well as the family I started with Dennis, photos of my children when they were babies, and a bundle of lavender in my coffin.

What do I want for a funeral service? Special music? Readings?
Now here is a question I can work with.
I love to plan parties.

If Phyllis is still alive, I would like her to be flown in from where ever she is, and I would like her to co-officiate the service with Mrs. G.

Mrs. G., see to it that the mourners feel free to partake in a pre-funeral passing of the sacred herb as well as the passing of the Maker's Mark.

I would like there to be lots of candles lit. Dozens of more candles than is practical. Seven day novena candles if possible, only you can blow them out after the service and everyone can take one home. You can get them in the Goya section of the supermarket.

There need not be a lot of flowers, just a few green plants among the many candles. Don't spend any money on flowers.

If people would like to light a candle and share a story, that's ok. I'll be dead, and I will no longer have anything to hide, so they can tell all.

If the service is in a church, please bring my coffin into the sanctuary while everyone sings "Will the Circle Be Unbroken". If the service is outside at the grave site, please have a really good sound system. If anyone is hooked up with a banjo player, live accompanyment would be nice for this part.

I would like a celebration of communion. At the First Church of Des, no one is to be excluded from receiving communion. Regardless of their religion all are welcome.
For communion I would like the ministers to bless and distribute banana pudding. There will be a good recipe on file with my funeral wishes in the minister's office. Please don't use over-ripe bananas. They should be fresh and firm, a nice yellow, no all brown. Make lots of pudding. In my memory, if you think there will be 25 people at the service, make enough for 50 or 60 healthy servings.

Bless the spoons and the pudding. and hand everyone a spoon and pass the dish, while playing Suite Judy Blue Eyes. Play it pretty loudly, and encourage singing along. If communion runs long (I encourage the passing of a second pudding, and clean spoons, because really one spoon full of pudding would not be in keeping with my spirit) play Cary, by Joni Mitchell.

Please do not forget to pass the cup. I would like a nice clay chalice full of strong hot Spanish Coffee. If I somehow change my ways, and my life impacts so many people that there is a huge crowd, so communion runs even longer than anticipated (or is there are just a few people and they want to finish all the pudding) play Galileo, by the Indigo Girls, and wonder whether y'all think my soul got it right or if I will be coming around again.

Feel free to play the slide show Dennis made for my 40th birthday, but please go ahead and add those few naked pictures he took of me in the late 1980s. I was hot then, and won't mind being remembered that way. They won't be hard to find. In fact, put them in more than once. Someone should finally see them.

At the end of the service, when my coffin goes into the ground, Please play Norman Greenbaum's Spirit In The Sky. Sing along, and pass out tambourines. The noise from the tambourines will drive any evil spirits away.

After leaving the grave site, go back to my home (or the home of one of my kids ) and stay for a good meal. Please remind Eden and Harrison to set up a table outside the front door. On that table, put the yellow mosaic footed bowl with the roses on it that we used at Grand Dad's funeral, filled with water, and a nice hand towel so that everyone can wash their hands in that water before entering the house. The water should then be emptied into the road, preferably at a crossroad intersection, or may be tossed away from the house.

Yes, it is voodoo. Get over it. It is a family tradition, and I am the keeper of the rituals, so please do it. Don't risk having my spirit hang around distraught or annoyed because someone thought this was silly. Just do it, OK?

That bowl is on the shelf to the left at the bottom of the basement stairs. Don't sell it a the yard sale!